The 4 Power words you must say more often......Can you help me?

Can you help me? Yes, let’s practice it right now! Say it three times now out loud.

May is mental health month and we know it’s a common fact that women are more anxious and depressed than ever. I was going to cite the research (the lawyer in me) and I decided no. Why? Because we know it’s true! We have professional, family, and societal pressures that are humanly unmanageable. For Women of Color when you add in racism and loneliness at work, it’s even more devastating. But as women, we keep pressing on. We can’t control everything, but one thing we can do more often is ask for help. We must change our mindset in believing we can do everything ourselves and no one else is available to help us and/or should not be held accountable to do their part.

Let’s break this down further and have a real talk. Undoubtedly for some of us, we feel vulnerable asking for help. I know, I am in that camp, My heart beats fast, I feel weak, less “powerful” and needy. But, I had a few times in my life when I reached the end of my own abilities and had to ask, but by then I am usually in a desperate state. The key is to ask for help when you need it and ask for help often. Don’t wait until you have no choice. Yes, I know what if they say no or ignore you? Well, that will happen (including from friends, known associates, and colleagues) and now you have full awareness of where you stand in that relationship. But, your response to that NO depends on the situation, and either way, it will make you stronger. But, don’t let it stop you from getting the help you need.

What happens when you are intentional and ask for help? You have more control, more power, act with intention, develop stronger relationships, and most importantly less anxiety. Another big bonus, you hold others accountable for doing their part.

Here are 4 scenarios I want you to use these words more often:

1. Work-If you want to be promoted and/or developed ask your management. Don’t be afraid of the answer, it will allow you to make better decisions on your career.

2. At Home-for chores or other household responsibilities- it empowers and holds others accountable and you teach a valuable lesson on boundaries.

3. Yourself- what do you need that you are not giving yourself? More positive affirmation, acceptance, alone time. You know the answer.

4. Network- do not assume where your help will come from, most often it is from people you don’t or do not know well. They simply want to help

To turn a corner, you must do this every day until it becomes more comfortable. But do it you must. Now start today. These three words will open up many doors so now let’s say it together- Can you help me?

Asking for other’s guidance helps you see what you may not be able to see. it’s always important to check your ego and ask for help. Ken Blanchard

Photo Jon Tyson

Boundaries wanted-Remember You are only human

Take It On Tuesday!

It is so easy in times like this to just keep letting it pile on. We begin to take on superhuman traits and falsely think we actually have superpowers. I have bad news, you are only human. We know it doesn’t feel right, but we fear judgment regarding lack of commitment or an ability to handle “it” so we just keep pushing. But, in reality, true leaders create boundaries.

Earlier in my career, I had taken on a lot of projects in order to get ahead. At the same time, I was managing work, family, and community service. Because I was overextended, I was not showing up anywhere in the manner I desired. I failed to meet a client deliverable and the client gave me great advice. He said your inability to manage your time and deliverables speaks volumes about your inability to manage yourself and create boundaries. You must fix that if you want to stay on track to be a senior leader. Wow. So basically, translation no good deed goes unpunished. So, let me give you a few tips on creating boundaries for yourself and others::

1. Set clear expectations of what you are able to deliver and when -this is especially critical during this time.

2. If you are not able to make a commitment, communicate, and set a new deliverable as soon as possible.

3. Block out times for different tasks and advise others when you need focused time to be alone and/or work on a project.

4. If you are homeschooling, give yourself some flexibility and recognize this is not a perfect time to overcommit.

5. If you have competing priorities, communicate your priorities and if you are not able to handle it on your own, seek senior leadership and/or client input on prioritizing deliverables.

Creating boundaries lets everyone know you are in fact committed to being the best you, and that in the end is what matters.

When your Mondays come… Just Keep Going

MOTIVATION MONDAY

Honestly, there were times that Mondays came with a pit in my stomach.  I literally  “felt” sick. I was exhausted, frustrated, and mentally drained, all symptoms of not being able to fully self-actualize ie have an opportunity to work to my fullest potential. Is that you? Or do you have fulfilling work but the pressing demands of family and other obligations are causing you to anxiously await the daily grind that comes with the Monday sunrise?  I know it’s hard but you are not alone. We all have experienced periods when we are physically and mentally exhausted. We now have to add social isolation, an uncertain paradigm of work and play, health scares, and having to suddenly reinvent ourselves. All of this can make us be on the brink of giving up on our goals and dreams. Don’t Give Up! When you feel like you have nothing left, just dig in a little more and take one more action step. As humans, we are actually very resilient. Research tells us that we overestimate the real impact of negative emotions and underestimate our resilience. See a nice summary of Professor Daniel Gilbert and colleagues’ research by (Carpenter, 2001)“We don’t know our own strength”, American Psychological Association. APA.org Vol 32, No 9 print version page 82.

Trust me, the future can be so much better than the past. I have had my share of tragedy and disappointments. But sometimes in working through life, it takes time. Don’t let anyone sell you on instant success OR  shame you about feeling fear and wanting to give up.  Just keep going. You are resilient, you will make it and you will look back and say - I am glad I DID NOT GIVE UP!

Be an Optimist

I recently discovered there is a difference between being optimistic and being a go-getter but with no expectation. You see, an optimist works with an expectation that it will work out. When you’re an optimist your energy, creativity and your mindset focuses on a positive outcome of your goal. The work seems easier. When you are just a go getter with no expectation the energy is there but the work is harder because there is no visualization of success. In the end, I think it is better to give your best to something visualizing what success looks like. When you do, you are more creative, intentional, energetic and will have a more positive mindset.

SO Expect the Best!

How to Reframe and Reset to an Awesome Life

Are you feeling there has to be more to life than this? If this is you, the answer is yes!

Change often seems elusive, lurking around trying to get our attention. You know when something is wrong. Maybe you wake up dreading the day. Perhaps, it is becoming harder to find the energy to get through the day. I understand how you feel, I was there too, not long ago. But one day I was a keynote speaker for a program for students of color entering the communications field. I was as a Vice-President and a Head of Law for a global conglomerate and asked to speak about my career and corporate life. As I looked at the roomful of happy, expectant young faces, I was filled with an odd mixture of elation and sadness. I delivered an inspiring speech and was elated to urge them to be their best. Don’t limit yourself. Be courageous. Live with purpose and passion. But saddened,  that I was not taking my own advice. I was more powerful than what I felt. I didn’t see the ME, they saw. I knew at that moment I needed a change, to get back to real ME.   

I was at the top of my legal and corporate career, received numerous awards, was a regular public speaker and in the current issue of Savoy Magazine as one of the Most influential Black lawyers of 2018, with Eric Holder on the cover. But, over the years, little by little  I limited myself and allowed others to do the same.  I was capable but existing far beneath my potential. I looked to books, podcasts, sermons, conferences, etc. for the motivation to change. But often nothing worked. Why? I was looking for others to do what I  must do myself. I had to reframe my mindset and reset my life.

If this is also you, think about how awesome life can be if you reframed your mind and reset to the life you are meant to have. You don’t need all the answers, but you do need to take action. 

Here are a few of the steps I took: 

1. Take 10. There are 1,440 minutes in a day. Commit to 10 uninterrupted minutes to think and focus only on you. Try this early in the morning, during your lunch break, or while sitting in the car before you walk in the house. Thinking produces clarity and intentional decision making.

2. Stop looking to others, encourage and affirm yourself. You have to become reacquainted with your inner strength. Try prayer and meditation.

3. Manage your time by setting priorities and making a plan. Brainstorm and research ideas. Prioritize your actions and create an actionable plan. Stay away from distracting activities.

4. Declutter your home – a messy home creates anxiety. Get rid of stuff. Donate clothes you can no longer fit it also keeps you feeling bad about yourself. Donate excess household items. A clearer space produces a clearer mind.

5. Let go of being and feeling responsible for everyone. If you are enabling friends or family members, stop it. You are hurting them and yourself.

My journey is still ongoing. But so far, I can once again feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I am present, happy, healthy and living life on purpose. 

Decide today to reframe and reset to an awesome life. I did and you can too.

How to Reclaim your Life in Just 10 minutes!

For many women, our lives are so jam-packed we do not give ourselves time to just think. I mean thinking time that is not, a  to-do list, beating up on ourselves over a past regret, or even a future worry. Rather, taking a few minutes a day and think about what we want from our life? Our purpose and goals can change over time and we can only keep up if we give ourselves time to think. Thinking time produces clarity and intentional decisions.

There are 1,440 minutes a day and you only need 10 to reclaim your life.

If you cannot find the time? Here are a few tips. 

1. Wake up 15 minutes earlier-5 minutes to get coffee (or tea) and jot down your notes.

2. Spend 10 minutes during your lunchtime or schedule a 10-minute meeting with yourself

3. Take a 10-minute walk and record your thoughts on your phone

4. Turn off the radio and/or put your phone on ‘do not disturb’ during your commute. Voice record or write down your thoughts

5. Use gym time and voice record your thoughts on your phone.

6. Park around the corner from the house and sit in the car 

7. Sit back and think in the tub and record your thoughts

8. Set boundaries and take your 10 minutes

9. Think while under a hairdryer

10. Start 10 minute reading time with the kids - you think, while they read

These are just a few ideas, but it’s up to you to make it happen. You are worth it. 

What’re the goals:

1. Clear the debris in your mind that limits your potential

2. Create life and career goals 

3. Figure out how to surround yourself with a support circle

Favorite Quote of The Week

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. - Alice Walker

Favorite Quote of The Week

“When you undervalue what you do, the world will undervalue who you are.” - Oprah Winfrey

A Revolutionary Idea about Mom Guilt that Will Blow Your Mind

Does he have his computer? Gees, no I forgot to bring it. I thought there you go again. I was rushing and was already late dropping my son off to a program, Gavel Club for my Jack and Jill of America Inc. chapter. The long detailed email told me exactly what he needed for the boot camp, but I forgot. The usual self-bashing was about to start until I heard the pardon “No Mom Guilt” from my friend and the program coordinator.

As Mothers, whether working outside or within the home, we beat ourselves up for the most minuscule missteps. This keeps us in bondage to perfection. But, where does this expectation to be flawless come from? Well, for the most part, it’s self-imposed. As a mom in a  high pressured executive job, I attributed my missteps as proof that I could not focus on my family and a demanding career. A few years back, I remember dropping my son to school forgetting it was pajama day. I didn’t have time to go back home to fix this big mistake. I was crying while driving with an exaggerated belief I irreparably damaged my child for life.  I rushed home that evening ready to do whatever necessary to make it up, but the day passed along with the made-up trauma. Don’t judge, many of you have far worse stories, so do I. In reality, we need to give ourselves a break-No Mom Guilt! But me just saying it is not enough. So, I have a revolutionary idea, do it for the children that we so desperately want to have a perfect childhood. 

When we ditch mom guilt we teach our children:

1. How to apologize

2. How to manage disappointment

3. Even Mommy makes mistakes and she’s still cool

4. Worry less

5. Not to live in regret

6. Unconditional love

7. Solve problems

8. Be more independent

9. Live in the present

10. Be content

So next time look at your child in the eye, say an earnest apology for the mishap, explain any circumstances if you needed and then move on. If it doesn’t work, don’t worry there will be another opportunity to practice until you get it right.

Favorite Quote of The Week

“You don’t have to feel confident, to be confident.” - Shirell A. Gross.